god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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