i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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