So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
