Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
