So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
