im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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