I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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