i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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