WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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