Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
