i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
