So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
