Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
