If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
