I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
What drink are we having for lunch?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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