Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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