I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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