1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just found puke in my bra..
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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