I think my fart just growled at me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
