I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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