boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
