Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
