i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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