I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
