My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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