you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
