my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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