If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
