my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
