I met the friendliest cop last night
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
