I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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