Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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