Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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