this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
