I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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