I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
