Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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