i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
