Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
