he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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