I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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