Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
