My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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