oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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