can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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