Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
