I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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