Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
