my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
no you cant smoke seaweed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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