and you said cock pushups were impossible
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
