I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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