oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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