Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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