You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
