I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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