I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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