there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
